Day 84 - The Perfect Poop and A Pep Talk

So, I'm at the top of my poop game. I'm shooting out some beauties.

However.

When I was out walking the Berkeley hills this past weekend with Pam during our adoptee retreat, I had the rush of I'm going to poop my pants now which was such a bummer because we were in a really nice neighborhood with no places to hide and take care of business.

What if this is about you depleting yourself? Pam asked. What if this feeling you are going to poop your pants is about you not feeling other things?  

I thought about what it meant to deplete myself, how it feels to give myself away and to feel less than because of it. I thought about what it feels like to automatically think about other people's needs before I think about my own. I stopped having to go poop. I started getting mad. 

Feelings are complicated. Anger and rage in particular.

I am so pissed that I then end up pooping!

Well, that's ridiculous.

I'm a big girl. I can handle rage. When you lose your mother early on, it's a natural body response to get mad.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Writing and walking and staying present for the beating of my heart beat are gorgeous ways of feeling and expressing rage. I can write harder, swing my arms faster, and no one really has to know. I don't have to spread distress. Writing is not the same as publishing. Walking is not the same as punching you in the face. I don't have to poop in the bushes to get some relief. 

I already feel so much better. I think fear of feeling is so much more intense than the actual feeling. It's like being terrified of clouds and then one passes by and you realize it's just vapor. 

See you tomorrow. 

xoxo