I want to tell you about the time I was on Haley Radke’s podcast, Adoptees On. Actually, I don’t want to tell you about it. Anne Heffron wants me to tell you about it because she thinks this weird shame spiral that I went into after telling my story in such a public way is an experience that other adoptees can relate to and learn from. I don’t want to even think about, much less talk about it, but I’m trying to learn from it, so here goes.

What happens when you let yourself burn? What things would you say that are, as of this moment, frozen inside, killing you from the inside out?

I got Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao to say yes!

This is my holiday fantasy, my tale to tell, at play in the field of memory—

I tried three times to give him away. Well, one time I didn’t try to give him away: I tried to sell him.

I cannot celebrate dead adoptee day this year just as I could not celebrate it last year.

Sometimes you don’t know what you need until you get it.

I am learning my brain, offering it forgiveness and tenderness, and it’s making all the difference.

If or when your adopted child says: “You are not my real mother.”:

The body of the infant bears being born and begins to flourish in the communion of we with the body of the mother.

This is what I see: I see a whole flood of incredibly beautiful people repeatedly banging their head against a brick wall. I see these people throwing themselves against the wall, gnashing their teeth, crying, yelling, whispering, begging, holding out money and gifts. And then, over and over again, returning to smashing their heads against this unmoving, uhearing wall.

Now I am an adult, and I would like to meet my mother in the incarnation of myself. I would like to talk to my mother as an adult and ask her questions. I would like to get to know my mother.