After Watching an Episode of The Chair on Netflix -- Guest Blog Post by Bea Bergeron
Watching The Chair this week on Netflix provided one of those moments. The Chair is a smart “comedy-drama” about Ji-Yoon, a newly appointed, first woman chair of an English Department that is facing budget cuts and low enrollment. A single Korean woman, Ji-Yoon adopts a Latina daughter whom she names Ju-Hee, after her, Ji-Yoon’s, deceased mother.
And there it was, the moment that brought adoption front and center into my life that day, Ji-Yoon’s daughter sitting in the back seat, emphatically stating, “And you’re not my real mother.”
As I heard those words, time briefly stood still as a myriad of thoughts and memories flooded my mind...
If or when your adopted child says: “You are not my real mother.”:
Do not challenge them
Do not get angry or defensive or scared (or show that you are)
Do not push them away,
or deny their feelings, their thoughts, or their experiences.
Do not shut them down or make them feel invisible.
Do not say “Yes I am” even though you may feel this or believe this.
Don’t extinguish their voice or dismiss their feelings, because if you do - you are teaching them that they can not talk to you about this.
You are letting them know that they can not share their thoughts, their feelings, or their fantasies with you, because you can’t tolerate it.
The reality is that the adopted child does not belong to you - you do not own them.
Your blood is not surging through their veins and they do not share your DNA.
They did not ask for this - you did.
So this moment is not about your feelings.
Rather, listen to them….because this moment could be so much more.
What if, instead, she had said: "Let's talk about that....What is that like for you...."
I thought about what I, as a young adopted girl, would have had wanted, hoped for at that moment: To be seen…
To realize that moment was not about her feelings or her needs but my experience - the Atypical Experience of Adoption.
At the same time, I realized what I may have wanted or needed might not have been what other adoptees wished for.
In reading other social media posts - I see many validating moments of recognition - while other times seem less familiar. At this point in my life, I don’t always have the same mother longing that I see in some posts - that searching for a specific person or connection.
For me, it felt larger than one person - it was about history, roots, genes, being part of a collective. What I longed for was something familiar - because as an adopted child, nothing felt familiar. My body and my cells wanted to resonate with something, with anything - to recognize a rhythm. It was the search for a place that felt like home, a sense of belonging.
Each of our experiences as an adoptee is different and complex in a way that is valid and matters even when it challenges the Happy Narrative of Adoption
Now, perhaps more than ever, when the happy adoption narrative is seen as a solution to a problem, whether the problem is infertility or an unwanted pregnancy, the adoptee experience is relevant and essential.
Because adoption is more than a mathematical equation; it is more than a solution to a problem.
When adoption is reduced to a simple equation, what is lost is the experience of the adoptee.
Though adoptees do not always find their voice until later in life when the instinct to survive has quieted some, and they can begin to hear the sound of their own thoughts.
Growing up there was no place for adoptees to connect - I have wondered whether this was purposeful - To keep us separate in an attempt to mute our voice and decrease our collective.
But that time is changing and a shift is happening.
The backdrop for this was seeing Pete and Chasen Buttigieg welcoming their twins, and I am thrilled for them - full stop. But at the same time, I also know that it is not just about the happy narrative. The story does not end there; it is so much more than just that moment.
