During the interview, Van der Kolk said that the nature of a traumatic experience is that the brain doesn’t allow a story to be created.

Four minutes after I ordered a Lyft, Mr. Sweetheart arrived. I rushed out of the restaurant, grabbed my things from my friend’s car, and climbed into the back of the minivan.

We struggle with our daughter who refuses to acknowledge her tight rope, her emotions, her feelings, her history, her grief, her loss, etc. She shuts down or goes straight into fight/flight whenever we try to bring up any conversation about her life experiences. We feel we have a wealth of loving support available from all the books, support groups, counselors, reflection, study, personal growth, etc. we have gathered over the years and she is still unable to open her heart. We will continue to offer everything we have and pray that one day her heart will soften and she will trust us just enough to get a taste of the unconditional love, support, and comfort she rejects. She deserves so much more than she is willing to accept.

People can develop stutters when they are afraid to speak, afraid of what others are going to say when they speak, and essentially I had developed a stutter as a writer. I was supremely self-conscious and hyper-aware of how others might react to the things I wrote.

All my life I’ve been afraid that whatever I’m eating is about to disappear.

If I am thin, if my body is in control, if I don’t ask for too much, if I am clean, if I don’t make too much noise, if I don’t upset you, will you keep me? Will you love me like you would love a real child? A real person? 

I am living in abundance. My body and mind are working to acclimate.

I think a lifetime of wishing my mom would think she was as beautiful as I thought she was has made me a crazy person.

Love matters.

It was the word devotion that changed everything for me, not the word love.

This post is one big reminder to self: don’t live on auto-pilot. Try harder.

I celebrated the start of my birthday on the Nordic Trak, listening to the opening of She Sells Sanctuary by the Cult on repeat.