Dr. Mark sent me a text as I was starting to hike. He wrote, “How are you holding up? The next couple of weeks might be tough as you might want to default to old habits.” Boy, was he spot on.

I am chasing several things in the next 93 days. There is the desire for beautiful and regular poops, of course, and there is also What are we capable of doing in our lives? Just how wild can I get? How free? How singularly myself?

Headaches and migraines affect a lot of people, and, I believe, adoptees in particular. I started having migraines in graduate school and they shocked me, the way everything could be fine and then my vision would shatter and I’d have to pull to the side of the road or put down whatever I was doing and cover my eyes and pop a pill and wait until I could see again. 

We silence ourselves in clever and complicated ways, and while getting to silence is the whole point of meditation, silence in a life that never got to fully express itself is a tragedy. 

I love looking at my pictures. I think they are beautiful. They are like little love affairs: I saw you. They are also like little prayers: thank you for existing. 

The very best part though, was last night. I was on the phone and I was talking my head off and I realized the fog I am often talking through was not there. My eyes and head felt clear. It was marvelous.

If I hadn’t made this 93-day thing public, I’d have a mouth full of muffin right now and then tomorrow I’d spend the day with an aching stomach. 

So, thank you for being here. As it is, I have lentil breath and my guts are…calm. 

There is something so joyful and right about being aware that you are in your body. It’s this little prayer you can do, welcoming you into the church of you.

We don’t need to apologize for who we are or how we feel. If anyone asks, we’re on a mission.

I look forward to making a mess with you the next 93 days. We’ll clean up later.

Settle in. This might take a while.

Your answers matter. 

Fear tells us No. Stop. You are better off at home, on the couch, watching Chef’s Table. Now, maybe that information is helpful if you are doing something illegal that is going to get you thrown into jail, but maybe you don’t care about jail and you really, really want to rob a bank. You have to find a way to override Brother or Sister Fear who knows how to bring you to your knees even when you are driving.

My secret hope was that I could write myself home. I could run the bases and slide into home plate by writing a book. It would have my name on the cover. It would say I am here. I am valuable. I have a voice.