On Trying to Get Adderall from Kaiser and Fucking It Up

This all starts weeks ago, when you realize that you might do better with a diagnosis of ADHD after trying for your while life managing a brain that feels more broken mirror than a skull full full of collected grey matter. You research. You think about being an adopted person with CPTSD and how that sure can look like ADHD, so much so you wonder even what the difference is, so you schedule an appointment with Kaiser. The only catch is that your brother recently died and you sound SUPER depressed when you take the basic intake mental wellness test. The thing is, also, you’ve ALWAYS sounded super depressed any time you’ve taken one of these goddanm tests because questions such as, Have you ever thought of ending your life? is more often than not like asking an adopted person if they’ve ever had to sneeze.

The reason I’m writing this in second person YOU instead of I is because it feels more fun.

Okay, on with the main show:

1.        Mention the gummies your friend shared with you this past week to help you sleep.

2.        Mention the dose of MDMA you took after your brother died because you wanted to dramatically change the channels in your mind, if only for a handful of hours.

3.        Learn that you will now need to abstain from any cannabis or stimulants for 30 days in order to pass the drug test (urine) at any Kaiser lab in Northern California.

4.        Say you were kidding about the gummies and the MDMA. Say it’s part of your ADHD that you are trying to get under control with Adderall: an inability to tell the difference between what you do and what your friends do.

5.        Have the psychiatrist in the sunny floral dress smile and say that isn’t an ADHD trait, and no matter what you say at this point, a urine test is mandatory. AI heard you say what you said and your words have been duly noted for eternity. Have her tell you this appointment was created by the powers that be at Kaiser for you to talk about depression and anxiety. You’ll need to schedule another appointment with someone else to get an ADHD diagnosis. That may be a couple of months. The psychiatry department is slammed.

6.        Have her ask again about your willingness to have therapy for depression and anxiety.

7.        Tell her the reason you don’t want those things is because they will make you mad. Tell her if you have to talk to yet another goddamn adoption-uneducated therapist about what she labels depression and anxiety but what you label life and CPTSD from relinquishment and adoption, you will get depressed and anxious with a side salad of fucking pissed.

8.        Remind her you just want Adderall.

9.        Have her nod.

10.  Say, okay, fine, I’ll do some therapy. Whatever. But I’m speaking my mind.

11.  Have her nod. “I would not expect anything less,” she says. She smiles. You smile. You could be her friend, you think. She looks fun.

12.  Realize in part you were desperate for Adderall because you were sick of being on the grief train about your brothers and you wanted a break. You’d taken Adderall for two days once and speeding through life felt like a promising alternative to sitting on the fucking grief train. The train you have to ride because your ticket gut punched. You may as well take the whole ride instead of packing it away somewhere only to have to finish it off and experience the whole spectrum of feelings at a later time. In the meantime, tell yourself, no gummies. No MDMA. Look forward to clean pee and the wonder of what might happen next.