Today’s Adoptee Writing Class Prompts: What is Enough? What is Not Enough?
If you look at the word “enough” long…enough, it starts to crumble. At least it did for me. How does gh sound like f? How do you know that ou sounds like uh? Thank the lord I already know English because if I had to learn it now I would just whistle my way through life.
I asked everyone in the group to first write for eight minutes about whatever came to mind when they thought of the word “enough”. I told them after we read those out loud, we’d write about “not enough” for eight minutes and then read those out loud.
I have the best job in the world. I get to think of things I’d like to hear about, and then I get to listen to word musicians, word magicians, word kings and queens read what they conjured up in a minuscule amount of time.
This week as I was listening to people read their work, I, yet again, wished I could somehow share what I get to hear each week with as many people who want to listen. I asked the group if they wanted to share. Here’s a taste of what they created this week out of the wow they carry within. (If you are wondering why some writers chose to remain anonymous, then I feel it’s safe to assume you’re not adopted. We can just leave it at that. No harm, no foul.)
ENOUGH
Enough is a wish, a dream, a myth.
I have enough food, water, clothes and yet I don’t have enough.
Or, rather, I don’t feel enough.
Always something lacking.
Always looking for the pieces of the puzzle, trying to fit them together.
Never being able to complete enough.
— Devon Cummings
ENOUGH
That's enough.
I heard that said, whispered, yelled, spat at me throughout my life.
Though they may say, "That's enough" what they mean is "You're too much". What they are saying is "That's enough of... you."
So often (every time) when someone says "That's enough" it is when I am being real -- being playful, or angry, or vulnerable.
People don't need to comment on, or try to solve, or to give advice, or be uncomfortable. They can just listen and see me.
...That's enough.
NOT ENOUGH
I am stuck... Not enough doing.
Society loves to use Never Enough as a mantra, a way of life, a badge of honour.
We learn that accumulation is how we keep score.
More money, more followers, more rooms in our house. More.
We see there is a line that says 'enough' but our culture asks us to strive past it.
Never Enough.
Not enough though -- that is how I feel in this world.
I'm a car with not enough air in the tires.
A trunk full of groceries, and not enough gas to get home.
Yep, not enough...
Never Enough.
— Craig Roberts
NOT ENOUGH
Thesaurus.com says:
not enough · defective · faulty · flawed · impaired · incomplete · inferior · insufficient · lacking · scarce · skimpy · unsatisfactory · weak.
When I get lost in songwriting, I click over to thesaurus.com. I need that perfect word to summersault out, performing flips in the mind. There’s no synonym to describe the pit in my stomach; the reflex of advocating, rationalizing, pulling proof, documenting proof, justifying, explaining, supporting, elucidating.
“Why do you always do that?” my mother asks after I told someone how much money I make for the thousandth time. “Oh stop being old fashioned; we should talk about money. Being secretive about it has impacted women’s earning power since the dawn of time. Women should talk about money.”
“No but it’s like, even when you were only a musician, you would tell people how much money you made making music. Like…you had to provide evidence of your success, proof you were serious, proof you were real.”
And I stopped in my tracks to digest; for the first time I didn’t jump down my mom’s throat to tell her why she’s wrong. I just sat with that and said “You’re right.”
— Anonymous
ENOUGH
“Enough of this,” I thought for the thousandth time.
But yet here I am again—feeling the frustration boil up.
How to communicate with someone when their brain is just not up for the task.
“That’s enough” has been her go to since I can remember.
“Enough” she said balling up her fists.
What is enough when you are trying to express yourself?
Enough of problem solving for everyone else first is my daily promise to me these days.
The riptide feels relentless.
Will I be strong enough?
NOT ENOUGH
“If you do not give it enough pressure the print will not register correctly,” I heard from behind.
I turned the press one more time to make it tighter.
Slowly watching, hoping I had found the right pressure to marry the ink/water/paper.
When the print was pulled he looked at me and said, “Still not enough—see how it does not match up?”
It looked close enough to me.
I realized then I did not honestly know what it looks like when everything matches and the pressure is enough.
— Anonymous
ENOUGH
To be enough... What does that truly mean? Who decides what is sufficient: the giver or the receiver? Undoubtedly, there are two distinct experiences happening on either side, and one person's perception of what is enough will likely differ from the other's.
Feeling enough can sometimes be equated to allowing or doing the bare minimum. Yet, in other instances, enough can be perceived as excessive. Being and doing the bare minimum may be all that some can manage. How long can one remain enough? In the aftermath of tragic or devastating events, one might argue that enough knows no timeline. During grief and loss, individuals are often given initial grace and leeway. However, society has a tendency to prematurely determine when enough is enough for someone else. So, once again, who truly controls being or doing enough?
NOT ENOUGH
For much longer than I'd like to admit, I've felt not enough. I've also been told I'm too much, which I interpret as “that's enough.” This contradictory sensation within me leaves me feeling painfully alone when I consider either extreme.
Feeling “not enough” is like abandonment lurking in the shadows. I often feel like I'm constantly falling short of others' expectations in my quest to be enough. Lately, I've been repeatedly asked why what I have isn't enough for me. I can't adequately explain how difficult it is to perpetually feel like I'm settling for some version of enough while simultaneously not feeling enough for others.
— Diego
ENOUGH
It feels so narcissistic but my mind in this place and time always moves to me and us as adopted people. Enough basic resources (housing, food, medical care, clothing) Yes, I should be grateful. Enough exposure for basic education with older, educated, adopted parents. Enough basics, enough more than basics in some arenas. I can hear you say you have no reason to complain. We were just horrible parents, right? You had it so bad, right? All that infuses me with is you have no right to ever speak the truth.
NOT ENOUGH
Not enough for me = Complex PTSD with dissociation. I am sad about it but god dammit, I realized a long time ago that coming out of my fog I realised the embrace of all of this—I have dissociated my whole life and it is a symptom of C-PTSD and a survival mechanism to help you disconnect from threatening experiences and of relinquishment trauma.
Not enough____= all of this and more. What can I contribute now to be part of my community in a helpful way? Am I enough at this point in time for me the way I am?
— Carla Bennett
ENOUGH
‘Enough’ is a collared dove, many would call her a pigeon.
She has a “swing it all the way round” head with soft brown eyes.
She is intelligent enough to still know me, even after not feeding her for three months.
She is indignant enough to perch on top of my cushioned terraced chair, look into my eyes and drop a big one (which was the whole reason why I had stopped feeding her in the first place).
It is enough to be a pigeon.
Not Enough is too unformed to send. I hope this one is enough 😂
— Sarah
ENOUGH/NOT ENOUGH
One thing you can never get back in life is time.
I am at the point where, for certain, the days behind me are much greater than the days ahead.
The runway is getting shorter. I can sense the speed of the days.
Perhaps I have taken for granted the hours, weeks, months and years that I have lived.
I fear I may no longer have Enough Time.
I may not have enough time between now and dead to accomplish the many dreams and aspirations that I usually disregard as they swirl in my brain. It’s that “Someday” bucket list I have compiled and have revised in my head hundreds of times but have never written down and have only managed to tackle a select few.
This list, unlike like the to-do list I create on a regular basis and check off daily, the list of minutiae that feels so good to check off one by one using my bold, black sharpie, gives me so much satisfaction. I can manage that.
In contrast the real list, the bucket list is too scary. Perhaps it works better in my head and fools my mind into daydreaming that I have more time ahead of me than I do. More time before dead.
I wonder, am I way too busy spending my time trying to validate my existence and resolve issues from my adoption that take up space in my gray matter? After all, the only people that can answer any of my questions are no longer alive. It’s an impossible task. Why am I wasting this time?
Truth is, I am afraid.
The thing is, I am not afraid to die.
I am afraid that I will not have Enough Time to embrace all the wonderful parts of my exceptional life. Not enough time to accomplish what I really want to do between now and dead; live as my true self using the name on my birth certificate just to see how it feels, unapologetic, unafraid, uncompromising. Not enough time to say thousands more of “I love you” and not enough time to be brave and open my heart to what can be accomplished in this chapter of my life between now and dead.
— Carol Levitt
