The Need That Fucks Up Adopted People
I'm trying to figure something out. Why are so many adopted people so deeply unhappy? Before you start telling my that your cousin is adopted and that she's always smiling, let me remind you chances are very good what she tells you and what she tells me is the difference between shellac and an original surface.
If we have a core fear of being abandoned, why would we show you our dirty basement? Why, even, would we show ourselves? It's not like we can move to another body. It's so much nicer not to think about all this stuff. The only trick is the subconscious brains doesn't believe that and, like a kid giving his dog treats under the table at dinner, your subconscious feeds you memories and sensations from years ago that most of you doesn't think about, ever. Your subconscious says, Hey, Buddy. Here's something to chew on. Here's something to wake you up to yourself. Here's something you need to process because it's a wild gorilla in your guts, making digestion a big problem.
Maslow's hierarchy goes from the base physiological needs of breathing, food, water, shelter, clothing, sleep, up to self-self actualization at the top of the pyramid: morality, creativity, spontaneity, acceptace, experience purpose, meaning and inner potential. Between these ends there is safety and security, love and belonging, and self-esteem. As I looked at the Maslow's pyramind and thought about adopted people, I felt like I was looking at a balloon that was rapidy losing air.
In my writing classes, what I hear more than anything is that ALL of the needs in this pyramid are problematic. Even the most basic needs of breathing, eating, and shelter are more often than not sources of anxiety or stress. I know this is true also for humanity in general, but, yet again, adoption is the human experience intensified, so while you may say, yes, but what you are saying is true for everyone, I'm saying, yes, but more adopted people suicide than non-adopted people, so give me some wiggle room, please.
What if we added the need of connecting with the mother to the base of the pyramind? Just as a recipe tells you how long a cake should be in the oven so it comes out fully baked, what if the mother time is essential to the baby being fully baked and able then to go out into the world as themself, not undercooked and damaged by every finger that touches it?
Maybe Maslow assumed a child stays with their mother when he made his pyramind. I wonder what our understanding of basic needs would look like if Maslow had been adopted.
I understand not every baby can be with their mother, but if we were to fully recognize the importance of what happens in the mind and body of both mother and child as they share space, maybe we could come up with some ideas on how to help a relinquished child get what they did not receive so they could more easily tackle that pyramid as they grow up.
My guess is that the new base would put such a high importance on the mother that the patriarchial culture would either have to shift power dynamics for the health of all or keep doing what it's doing--intentionally dividing the living for the economic benefit of the few.
