Listening to Haley Radke and Laura Summers, LMFT, Talk about Pet Loss and Disenfranchised Grief

I got to 19 minutes and fifty-one seconds in the April 28, 2023 episode of Adoptees On, and I had to take a breather.

I thought I’d write, ride my bike, and then go back and listen to Haley and Laura finish their conversation as I drove to a memorial service for a friend’s ex-husband. I wanted to be able to really take it all it because I think the topic of pet loss for adopted people is massively under-discussed.

When an adopted person gets a pet, the person also gets the opportunity to love a living being that does not judge them. They get to love a being who looks different, who is not related by blood, and while these differences can feel like or be barriers to true connection or bonding for an adopted person and their adoptive parent or relative, with an animal these differences are irrelevant. The love is real. The bond is not one that can snap at any moment.

The reason I had to take a break from Adoptees On was that while Haley was talking to Laura about losing Lucy, her dog, you can hear the moment when Haley hits the wall and goes quiet. Laura steps in and talks about grief. I listened to Laura and appreciated her insights and calm assessment while my heart was also with what I took to be Haley’s stunned bewilderment, that feeling of Here are the feelings and Can I handle them?

This is why adopted people need each other. Who else aside from another adopted person is going to understand and deeply empathize when an adoptee loses a beloved pet? Only an adoptee will know the depths of grief one can plummet into when the exist with a heart that lost its mother. Only an adoptee will know just how seriously to take this kind of loss, just how much care and dignity the grieving person needs and deserves. For years, perhaps.

Maybe even decades. I think one reason I ended up in my hometown across the country from where lived most of my adult life is to finish the grieving process for the dog I lost while I was away in college. What I mean by processing is allowing the grief the space and attention I needed to give it, not how much my family, friends, and society thought was “the healthy amount of time to be sad.” Grieving early motherloss is so very, very complicated; grieving a pet in real time at least gives us the opportunity to go through the entire grieving process in a more complete and supported manner. We need to make the most of these opportunities for our bodies and minds to process loss. Witnessing the way Laura actively listened and mirrored and supported Haley as Haley processed what had happened only a year ago with Lucy was so healing to me the listener. Support happens. It’s possible to be met in the dark places.

Okay. Mostly I wanted to say thank you to Haley and Laura for sharing their hearts, experiences, and courage with us.

Amen.

p.s. I spent a lot of time petting Bird and thanking him for existing before I sat down to write this.