Adoption and Connection

Maybe part of being human is feeling separate from others, and most of our lives then are spent negotiating the paradox of how both powerful and debilitating it can be to feel, to be, different and therefore separate.

The last morning of my online retreat, I asked the participants what they needed or what they wanted more of that day. Most people said Connection.

I think if I were enlightened, I’d understand I can’t be separate from anything because we are all some sort of singular unified field. From deep space, when an astronaut turns to look at Earth, they can’t even see the pyramids, never mind Matt Damon, or you. The astronaut can’t see the tax forms you are sweating over right now or your fury over your dysfunctional snow blower. Deep space doesn’t give a shit about the lines on your forehead. Deep space doesn’t understand words like beautiful or ugly or rich or poor or mean or nice or famous or unknown or lost or found. Deep space is too busy being what it is to see anything. We’re deep space, too, but we think we’re these creatures who just need one more trip to Target to be okay. If I were enlightened, I’d be in a state of acceptance. This, too. That, too.

I want to be enlightened. I don’t want to think about what I don’t have anymore. I don’t want to think about what I lack. I am wasting my time here on the planet by not being the object of my own wild affection. And if you’re my friend, I’m wasting your time, too.

I’m thinking about all these adopted people (present company included) who yearn to feel love and acceptance. I’m thinking of all these adopted people (present company included) who are masters at tearing themselves apart when they say the “wrong thing” or do the “wrong thing” or look the “wrong way”. I’m thinking of all those adopted people (present company included) who are masters at tearing others apart proactively. If I dismiss you, you can’t dismiss me first.

How can we connect if part of us is pushing others and our own selves away?

I think part of us wants to destroy more than it wants to connect. I think part of us wants to kick the shit out of the world because we’re babies having a tantrum of she didn’t accept me so I’m not going to accept anyone or anything. Fuck you, World. I dare you to try to get close to me. I’ll show you what it feels like to be unwanted. I’ll show you what dissociation feels like.

I think another part of us is horrified by the psychopath or comatose being that sometimes steers our ship. I think part of us is the softest, sweetest, newly born infant who only wants to be held, who only wants to grasp onto someone’s finger and never let go.

Having a psychopath or a comatose being and an infant in the same room is a recipe for…for what? Not normality, that’s for sure. Not a life of easy and deep connections.

What happens if I think more about how I can connect with you than about how you could hurt me? What happens when I let myself believe in love? What happens when I let myself feel the desire to connect?

What happens when I let myself admit it’s more than a desire? What happens when I see it’s my nature? The very core of who I am? What happens when I let myself see I can’t ever be truly abandoned because here, on this dot, gravity has my back?

And my dog has the most beautiful blue eyes.