Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao and Me, Sunday Mornings, Adoptees, and Boundaries

I’m in California to do two adoptee retreats with Pam Cordano. I’ve been here for over a week, and the first group left two days ago. I wish I could go back to Sacramento, go back to baggage claim at the airport, and start all over because I don’t want this trip to end.

I also want to have the experience of the first retreat again. We all met Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon, and on Sunday morning before everyone arrived, Pam and I talked about what a strange feeling it was to create a group, fall in love with the group itself and all the members individually, and then have it and them go away. This kind of peek-a-boo, I think, is tremendously powerful for adopted people because, in fact, the group and the people are not disappearing. They just aren’t here in Pam’s house now. They are in me. They are in Pam. They are in each other. We are all bigger and stronger because we became an us, and we are learning to tolerate separation and leaning into the idea that we can connect in so many different ways because we are grown-ups with agency.

(But that doesn’t mean I am still all the way okay with them leaving. A girl wants what she wants.)

What happens when only adopted people enter and take up space in a room? What happens when a fish is in water that is the right temperature? What happens when a Lexus gets super unleaded instead of unleaded? What happens when the dial is accurately tuned into a radio station? What happens when someone gives you the correct directions to your destination?

The safety to become.

The safety to become is what happens when there’s a roomful of adopted people who want the best for themselves and others. I mean, I’ve been places where it’s only adopted people and I didn’t feel all that safe or happy. Hurt people hurt people, and so I’m not saying that all you have to do to change your own life and lives of others for the better is throw a bunch of people who lost their mothers in a room together. I mean, just like with any group, that could go just fine or it could also turn into a shit show.

But when you have intentionality of positive mindset and encouragement and kindness and courage in the room, holy cow. Look out. Wonder’s coming in! Curiousity just takes center stage! Fun enters. Tears happen. Laughter. Hugs. Anger. Release. Disbelief. Relief. Doors open and reasons to live broaden and deepen.

For adopted people, the ideas of boundaries can be a joke. I mean, even our skin is a weird boundary. You could say that your skin is the boundary of your body, but if you are adopted, you may question if that body inside the skin is even yours. If that body was bought and sold, to whom really does it belong?

It’s easier to have really rigid boundaries or almost no boundaries at all, often, then to have carefully, lovingly constructed boundaries that define what you want from your life, from yourself, and from others. If you have a clear sense of your own boundaries, you are asserting that you are here, that you have rights, that you are a human being with a mind of their own.

All of those things can be big, big deals for an adopted person to assert.

Dr. Joyce and I are going to start a class on boundaries on September 11 that will run weekly for six months. We’ll meet from 9:30-11 ET, and the cost is $150 a month. We just finished a seventh-month class that ended a few weeks ago, and, for me, the Sundays felt sacred and communal. The purpose of this class is to give you tools and ways of thinking that will help you see that you are not alone and that you are more powerful and truly yourself than maybe you realize. The purpose of the class is to get you into community and your body in a way that feels safe and exciting.

If you are interested, you can email me at anneheffron@gmail.com so we can see if this would be a good fit for you.

May we be well.

Amen.

My seven months with Anne and Joyce was the birthday gift I gave myself. The experience of intentional adoptee commitment as Anne and Joyce guided as well as participated each Sunday is time, money and emotions well spent. Each class will stand on its own and for me became mirrors of the heart.

T.B.

Hour of Power with Anne and Joyce was the highlight of my week. It was so empowering to go through the 7 stages of grief with other adoptees who really get how we feel. Joyce and Anne ran a wonderful Hour of Power and I would I highly recommend this class for all adoptees.

M.S.

Anne & Joyce created a safe and comforting container for our group to connect with one another. In community with kindred spirits I was able to excavate, share, process and integrate so many of my feelings surrounding my adoption. Being in community with adoptees for a good length of time was a healing experience for me.
Sunday mornings with Anne & Joyce leading the way felt like a gift I gave to myself.

L.F.