Dude, I Don't Know What to Title This--Guest Blog Post by Mallory Hawkins

Thirty-three years ago when my birth mother became pregnant - she had a choice. Her choice - she gave me up for adoption. Do I wish sometimes she aborted me? Yes. Because then life wouldn’t be as painful and I wouldn’t be spending tons of money on therapy trying to fix and understand myself. And I’m just one in a million with this same story. I wasn’t born because of rape or incest. I wasn’t born into poverty. I wasn’t born into society’s version of “true trauma.” But I was born nonetheless. And it was traumatic. In fact, the very second my birth mother found out she was pregnant, the trauma ensued and has and will continue to throughout my entire life. 

We should have choice. And people should understand when you force a woman to have a child and furthermore when you simply push adoption as a solution - there are years and years of consequences that will transpire. 

Innately I know what it’s like to not be wanted. It’s a devastating feeling that I would never want another innocent child to feel; however, I’ve accepted my reality and couldn’t have asked for better parents. They love me deeply and I’m proud to be their daughter. But just because I had an idyllic childhood doesn’t mean I don’t have my issues: attachment, intimacy, trust, and my personal favorite - loving unavailable men. These “issues” are heavy, feelings I carry around every single day. Although sacred in its own right, adoption is way more complicated than our Supreme Court justices are suggesting. Babies - rather wanted or not - aren’t just some “gift from God”. We grow up and thirty years later realize our country doesn’t care about us. 

This is just one facet of my life when it comes to Roe v. Wade being overturned. As a single woman trying to date and fall in love, I’ll be even more terrified to have sex with my partner, an act that could and should be gloriously beautiful and carefree.

And as an educator, specifically one who lives in the state of Oklahoma, I’ll have to teach these unwanted children. And we don’t even care enough about the kids who were actually wanted. 

The United States is supposed to be the best nation; a place to be free. That’s no longer the case for me anymore. Give us back our choice! 

When Mallory isn’t feeling depressed, she likes to simply be funny.

You can contact her and tell her how much you love her (my idea) at mallory.r.hawkins@gmail.com.