What if.

What if everything happens in your life in order for you to find love?

What if what I am doing right now is not spiritual bypassing or painting rainbows and unicorns over tragedy? What if, just what if, it’s so—that everything happens in your life in order for you to find love?

Would your approach to life change at all?

I asked a friend about his dreams and he told me he was just trying to survive. (At first I changed “he” to “she” as if trying to protect someone’s identity, but then I wondered why I was doing such a thing. Maybe changing a pronoun is the same thing as the butterfly wing’s movement changing the flow of the world. Maybe I will find love because I wrote the truth instead of a story.)

But the truth, as we know, is really just story.

But truth story and story story are different. One feels like bones and the other, I think, like air. When you aren’t sure who you are in the world or if you want to be the person you are, air can feel like a smart decision: better to be made of air than bones if you aren’t committed to the yes of presence.

Sometimes—a lot—I wish I were a rock and roll star. I wish I had a head full of music that the world loved and paid me to sing in a loud voice and in scanty outfits even when I was sixty or older. I would like to feel adored. I would like to be walking through Times Square and see myself on a billboard in a way that makes me feel happy and not cringey. In other words, a billboard that was so photoshopped I barely knew who I was! The reason I want this is because I would love to be recognized by the people behind the counter at the stores and greeted happily, excitedly. I’m here! You’re happy to see me! This is so excellent!

The part where people shove their phone in my face to take my picture and then post those not-at-all photoshopped pics on IG would, of course, stink. A lot of parts of my fantasy would stink if my fantasy were reality, but my fantasy as it is stands strong: I am creative and loved in the world and I make a living doing something that feels like play.

Actually, my life is pretty much like that: I’m creative and loved in the world and I make a living doing something that feels like play. Granted, I spend most of my time alone and when I go to stores no one looks up generally until I clear my throat and hand over my debit card, but the point stands: I’m living a dream.

But what about love love? As in, I choose you forever and ever love and I want to kiss your face even when you are asleep love? Spooning love. Hot and bothered love. I will wear a dress for you love.

Part of me thinks that isn’t in the cards. Part of me thinks, in this lifetime, I was meant to hack it out solo. I’m too all over the place, too self-absorbed, too moody, too private, too embarrassed by how much and how messily I eat, too overwhelmed when I feel watched, too exhausted by another’s presence in the room for more than a few hours, too needy of “me” time, too ashamed of how sloppy I am in so many ways, too uncertain of my own opinions to be able to endure the strength of another’s.

But what if I were told love was in the cards for me? That all I had to do was bloodhound my life and follow the scent of yes? Would I approach each day more wholeheartedly? Would I get out of bed a little more quickly? Would I save more money because the future was a thing I believed in?

I think yes.

What I have found is that if I believe something, truly believe it, buttons get pushed and elevators go up and down and all over town. My life Willy Wonkas when I have faith in good, in love, in that amazing thing is going to happen because I dreamed it.

So once again I’m going to attend the University of Why Not and see what happens.

I would rather die holding someone’s hand than die alone.

I’d rather live that way, too.

If change were easy, they’d have called it a picnic.

I’m going to do some breath of fire now and pray for the best.

I may have come into the world and arrived at arms crossed, heart concealed, but I am stubborn and I am learning patience.

I will wait you out, heart. I will find you.

xoxo