My dog is miserable. People tell me I did the right thing. They say I made the best decision for society. They say I am a responsible dog owner. They say the choice I made will help him live a healthier life. The say he won’t be as smelly as he might be otherwise.

Some people, all men so far, say this is the wrong thing to do. They say why mess with what’s working? They say he should not be altered. They say a dog’s nuts belong to the dog and not to me. They are not mine to remove. They are the dog’s.

But I own the dog, right? I adopted him. I signed papers. I paid money. So his body is my body, right? Granted, he can’t argue with me in a court of law because he doesn’t speak a language that would help him there, but since I adopted him and since it is commonly assumed that people know better than dogs, anyway, it was my right to decide whether he gets to keep some of his male parts or not. I feed him. I house him. I own that guy.

And it was my choice to “fix” him.

I’m curious what was broken? That he was whole? That he was completely himself and able to make babies? So whole is broken?

English is such a funny language. Try teaching someone from another country why we in the United States say “the alarm went off” when we meant it went on.

To adopt means “to take as one’s own”. What’s funny is that’s “to take as one’s own” also defines the verb to steal!

I took Bird’s nuts as my own.

I stole them.

I’m sorry if you find the word “nuts” offensive and would prefer I use the more accurate term “testicles”. I happen to like the word “nuts”.

Because dogs have sex like…uh, animals, we have shelters overrun with homeless dogs. What’s funny is that because humans have sex like…uh, humans, we have orphanages and foster homes overrun with children.

And yet there isn’t a worldwide move to take men’s nuts!

I’m wondering why. My birthfather made good use of his, creating more children than I believe I know about and having little to no responsibility for his progeny. This is nuts! He’s not alone. There is a world crammed with birthfathers who don’t even know (or care) they have children! The women sure know!

What if for every child born to a man, the man had to create a bank account with 100K in it to partially pay for the lifetime expenses of having a kid? Maybe suddenly condoms wouldn’t be so uncomfortable!

Historically, it is not an uncommon practice for women who are considered dangerous or not well to be sterilized.

When I get my nails done at the salon, the workers there (supposedly) sterilize the equipment so my feet stay healthy. To sterilize is to make very clean!

This is all to say that I am sorry I took my dog’s nuts. I didn’t know just how violent the procedure would be and how different he would be afterwards. I could have still been a responsible dog owner and let him keep them. And to say that he’s better without his nuts because it’s easier for me is, I don’t know, disgusting. It’s like saying it’s better to not tell my adopted child about their birth parents because the facts are…confusing. It’s like saying it’s better for me to change my adopted child’s name to one I like because the one they came with doesn’t fit our family. How can you have a Marisha in a family of Joes and Bobs and Annes? No! Marisha must be Mary.

That’s so much less confusing. So much cleaner.

What I’m trying to tell you is adoption is dirty business, and it’s better to keep it that way. The cleaner we try to make it, the less true it becomes. You took someone as your own, but they aren’t really yours.