I am not in full ownership of my life. Admitting this is humiliating and it makes me angry.

I was talking with my therapist and telling her all these things I did as a child that didn't work and she said, "I see you working so hard and trying so hard. You were doing your job; but, life is not lived in isolation."

I am really beginning to see where I am trying and working and not having it mirrored back and I am working on letting go of these things.

I am seeing where my husband and my friends are trying and mirroring and we are sharing. I am making myself sit with that and not clam up and shut off.

I am trying to have hopes and work toward simple everyday goals: Change my clothes, eat. Not get angry about things that don't go well and turn off and leave my husband by himself.

I am not an owner yet; but, I've already made the down payment. I have started the work. This class (Flourish) is my think tank and this room (my living room) is my laboratory.

I realize I have to accept that fear won't kill me in itself. That I can use that terror and free fall to propel me toward something good. Not always, but I have to learn.

I have to be able to sit with that fear and see it's reality and how it is deteriorating my choices. And keep moving through it. And own it. If I can own it, I can stop hiding, running, tuning out, controlling everything else to keep it at bay.

I never saw the fear growing up (it was there, looming, unnamed). Then I never saw a way without it until I turned 40. And now, in my 50's, I can't see a way with it. I can own my vision.