The Truth Will Set You Free, or My Experience with Adoptees On and Haley Radke -- Guest Post by Leigh Bailey

The truth will set you free. But not all at once. There’s a process to unveiling our truths. We don’t just blab out what happened and immediately feel better. We begin by admitting it to ourselves. At some point we identify what really happened. We then have to decide how telling these truths stand to benefit us and maybe others down the road. One of the biggest hurdles we face in telling our truths is overcoming our worry of how it will affect those who are part of the story. This may seem like an impossible feat if we’re still living at home with our parents as children. It may even seem like something we’d rather not deal with after we’ve left the nest. We also experience times when our families aren’t in the best of health and we don’t want to rock the boat. Let’s face it. It’s just easier to keep it inside us so we remain in the good graces of those who won’t be particularly happy if we let it out of the bag. 

I told my truth yesterday during a podcast. It was an opportunity I’d only dreamed of having. This particular podcast saved my life when I stumbled upon it over a year ago. I inadvertently found Adoptees On while on a walk one day. A friend had sent me a podcast about a mother giving a baby away for adoption. While it was interesting it made me wonder if there are podcasts for adoptees. My search resulted in Adoptees On and several others. I scrolled through the list of episodes of Adoptees On and wanted to listen to them all. Where had this been all my life? These are my people. With every podcast I listened to, I couldn’t help but wish for the opportunity for me to be a guest and tell my story.

Haley Radke was planning a series on estrangement and solicited potential guests. In an effort to heal from lots of damage done during my reunion with my birth father, I entered into therapy almost two years ago and began to discuss whether I can set healthy boundaries with those whom I find difficult and unsupportive, or whether becoming estranged was perhaps the answer. The podcast was my big chance. I’ve been sitting on the therapy sofa talking about this until the birds came home. I submitted my story and was selected.

Yesterday, I told the story of my reunion. I told things I’d only told to close friends and family. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to an unknown and unlimited audience. I told the truth. I did this because it was a huge step towards me being authentic to myself, and hoping it would be helpful to those awaiting to embark on a similar journey. I called my birth father afterwards and told him I’d told my truth. In his typical supportive fashion he said, “Good for you!”  

But I didn’t feel so good. I didn’t really know how to feel. I now had to go back into the world having exposed myself and the reality of a difficult time in my life. I began to worry how it might affect those I spoke of, and whether they would still want me after I publicly revealed how they’d acted. Would I get ex-communicated from the family? 

I asked my birth father if he thought I did the right thing. Why was I asking this? Why did I feel this way about telling the truth? At the end of our call, Haley told me that while this wasn’t therapy it might feel like it after having told all and been so vulnerable. 

Boy was she right.  

I sort of wished it had been therapy, because my therapist wouldn’t tell anyone what I said. What does it mean that I’ve now gone public with the dirty details? 

While I thought I hadn’t been able to record my side of the audio, I found I had. I played it for my husband and listened to myself tell the truth. It was a realistic account of a journey. He nodded his head yes as he listened.  He was a part of this, and remembered as well.  

Why did it feel so yucky at first? Even worse, why am I at 46 years old still making concessions to stay in good with people I haven’t lived with for 28 years, people who have behaved in ways with me which didn’t feel like love and support? And why do I feel I should keep a story hidden inside of me that might help others?  

Because I’m an adoptee and guilt is engrained in me. My therapist told me she wished she could tattoo “It Is Not My Fault” on my forehead. 

I believe the truth will set you free. I think telling my truth yesterday will set me free. I already feel better after listening to my side of the audio. I hope the episode empowers others to share their experiences in hopes of paving an easier way for those who follow behind us. We’re fortunate to have trail blazers such as Haley Radke who give adoptees outlets for our voices. We are the people young adoptees will be when they grow up. Our stories stand to benefit all who fall under the blanket of adoption. As Anne Heffron told me once, We can’t die with our stories inside of us. 

Because, as Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”