How do you figure out who you really are if you have pretended your whole life?

You try things and see how they reverberate with your body; you sit with them in your own knowing. You find what nourishes your soul, your mind and your body. 

For an adoptee it is profound to make a list of things you like and know that are true for you. You are making a declaration and it feels brave to say these things. It took me several days to write my own list and each statement made me feel stronger. 

We have to move forward. We have to heal. I would like to encourage each of you to make a list of all the things you know about yourself. Look inside and ask what you would like to do, be or have without seeking anyone else's approval. 

Maybe I will add more later, but here is what I know is true about myself so far:

1. I am homesick for places I have never been. Home is everywhere and nowhere. I long to see all corners of the world. When I land in a new country or place, I feel warmth in my soul, liberation and excitement. I love airports and the possibilities they represent. If I see an airplane in the sky, I wish I were on it. I always have to have the next trip planned. 

2. I am a runner. Running is my meditation. I can run for hours and feel relaxed, my brain reorganizes itself. It feels like the fountain of youth.

3. I hate to be cold, but I love to snow ski. I bundle up and enjoy the pitch and swoosh of the mountain.

4. I have determination and resilience that has carried me out of my adoptive family, across the country and across 10 marathon finish lines. I do not know if I was born with this or if I built it through childhood, but now I am using it to heal and move forward. 

5. I watch for wounds I create in my children and try to heal them as quickly as possible. I am trying not to pass on too many of my issues to them. I am sure I am giving them different issues though. 

6. I do not drink alcohol, tea or coffee. I really only drink water. I have never done any drugs. I never wanted to lose control or get addicted to something, just to have to fight through detox later. 

7. I have food allergies that have taken some of my favorite foods (crab and Thai food!). Since I really have no vices, I allow myself to indulge in ice cream, cookies, donuts and pizza. Ok, I know that sounds like a lot, but I am a runner!

8. My favorite flavors of ice cream are Salted Caramel Blondie at Florean Fortescue's at Universal Studios in Orlando and Turtle Brownie from Toni's Sun Valley Ice Cream. Since I have to travel to get my favorites, at home I choose cookies and cream. 

9. If I could live anywhere, I would split my time between Sun Valley Idaho and Orlando. Only people who love Disney will understand this, but Walt Disney World feels like home. Disney is consistent and has a very high level of customer service, I know I will be taken care of there. Walt built Disneyland and started Walt Disney World for the kid in all of us. It is an escape. 

10. I absolutely love humidity! It keeps me warm and is like a layer of cozy insulation. 

11. I will only swim in warm water. I keep our pool at 88 degrees and will not swim in cold oceans or lakes. Too bad warm water has sharks or alligators. 

12. I am strongly liberal and firmly on the side of women’s rights. I worked at Planned Parenthood and have marched for the cause in Washington DC. Being an adoptee only reinforces this. I believe that the most important consideration for having a child is the quality of life for the child and adoption does not always mean a better life. A woman should be free to chose if, when and how she has a baby. 

13. After realizing the trauma of relinquishment, I am a strong supporter of family preservation. If a first mother wants to keep her baby, then every possible support should be given to her in order for her to parent. 

14. When I am sad or need a break from the world, I read Harry Potter. I have read the entire series multiple times and it is like wrapping myself in a warm blanket every time. 

15. I enjoy enriching, meaningful, challenging conversations – especially about adoption and politics. I am not big on small talk or surface level relationships.

16. I am determined to give my children everything I did not have (they already have a genetic head start). I show them the world and make space for them to explore their interests and for them to be mad at me. I tell them all the time it is ok that you are frustrated or upset with me. I check in and ask what I can do better as a parent. I apologize and empathize when I have done something wrong. I have overcompensated on Christmas and birthdays. Luckily, that has not backfired on me. (As a teenager, my son wans to live in a tiny, ecofriendly house and both of our children want us to make donations to environmental causes as part of their gifts.) 

17. I hate to receive cut flowers. They die, clutter up a space and I have to throw them away eventually. Bring me a box of donuts or take me out for pizza. 

18. I am decisive and if I tell you I am going to do something, I do it.

19. I have to have alone time. I enjoy my own company and need to let my brain settle and not worry about what other people need from me or what they think of me. 

20. I can not lie. It is impossible. When I have tried, I feel terrible and must fess up, if my face did not give me away first. I used to be able to lie to people that I did not respect. And funny enough, I had to live a lie as an adoptee. Since coming out of the fog though, it is impossible for me to not be truthful. I have to stand in the truth always.

21. I have acute anxiety about specific things, but not general anxiety about life. 

22. I miss thunderstorms. Rolling thunder and lightning soothe my soul.

23. I used to hate surprises, but now that I have done my work, I do not think I need as much control anymore. 

24. I wish I had been out of the fog when I got married. I would have fought harder for what I wanted – a small intimate ceremony outside or even better – we could have eloped. 

25. I love good food, but I hate to cook. I will never forget when my son stopped nursing and eating baby food. I looked at this little human and said, “now I have to feed you” and I have been struggling ever since.

26. I love warm beaches – the humidity, the sand and the sound of the ocean. Few places relax me more.

27. I want to reach the end of my life with as few regrets as possible.

28. When my kids were little, I made our playtime educational – a lot of reading and very Montessori like. I did this because I have always hated to play, even when I was a little kid. Maybe it is because I was relinquished or maybe because I was raised as an only child. What I have always preferred instead where games and sports – activities with parameters. I remember spending hours with the neighborhood kids playing board games, riding bikes, playing basketball and softball. And now that my kids are older, I will gladly drive them all over town for activities, travel with them, read, play games and even home school (as a result of Covid), but for the love of all that is holy, please do not ask me to play.

29. Writing is therapeutic.  It allows me to organize my thoughts and get them out of my body and make sense of them.