An Adoptee's Letter to Her Younger Self on the Night Before Her Birthday -- Guest Blog Post by Deanna Freeman
Letter to my younger self (age 9)
Dear Deanna,
Do you remember being five years old and being told you were adopted? Your mummy explained that you were special. Chosen. She had wanted you so much after losing lots of babies who had died. It was ok if you felt sad for all those babies. That was a very difficult time for your mummy and part of the reason you had been adopted by her. Not understanding what being adopted really meant did not make you dumb. Asking questions and trying to make sense of it all right then in that moment your mummy told you would have been hard for a little girl. After you thought about being adopted and saw your mummy have another brother in her tummy, it was ok to ask more questions or start to feel upset that you did not start your life in the same way. Talking about those feelings with someone you feel comfortable with will help to ease some of the sadness you are carrying inside. Help you get enjoy school more and being a little girl.
Your mummy was not sad because you had questions or because you thought you could not make her happy. She had lost lots of babies and your adopted daddy had left soon after you were adopted. Your baby brother came along with a different daddy. He left her and your brother too. When your foster sister left it was because your mummy was too sick to take care of you all. Those fears you felt about being taken away were understandable. Your mummy did her best to explain that you belonged to her as she had signed the papers to keep you. This likely confused you as you had spent the first three years of your life with a big sister. Being afraid and confused when all of this was happening around you was a normal reaction during a very sad time.
Wanting to be rescued by a new family because your mummy was sad all the time did not make you a bad little girl. Dreaming of living with your sister and her new family did not make you ungrateful for the family you had. Hiding your feelings to try and protect your mummy’s feelings was a brave and strong thing to do. You were kind and thoughtful and felt a lot of emotions that you did not understand. Asking more questions may have made your mummy sad but that was a lot to keep inside and try to not feel sad and alone yourself. Your mummy did not love you less when all her attention had to be focused on either of your brothers after they were born. New babies can take up a lot of time. Your mummy had not carried a baby that had lived. Just know you were loved then and still are.
There have probably been times when you felt a lot of confusion about where you belong. Even if you would have asked more questions, it is not always easy to find the words to explain what you were feeling. It would have taken a lot of courage to speak up and let your family know you were sad and confused. Try not to regret the questions you did not ask. Understand that back then children were not always understood. Grownups did not know that some kids were more sensitive. You picked up on everyone’s emotions and hung onto to every word that was said. There was very little information and support to help you and your family work through any of the family issues. That did not mean your feelings and needs were not important.
There were times when you overheard grownups say things that maybe hurt you. Sometimes you felt you could instantly tell when people had been talking about you. There was a lot of grown up talk with no real check on volume and thoughts that you may have heard. You were always looking for validation that the grown-ups liked you. When they heard how they thought you were oversensitive, too emotional and they just did not like you that much, that would have hurt. Saying you should be grateful your mummy adopted you was not something you needed to hear. Their words were insensitive and unkind.
As you grow up and find the strength to challenge what you heard, those grown-ups will feel some shame and be sorry for making you feel that way. It will help with the anger you are building up inside. Validate how wrong some people’s behaviors around you had been. Any little girl would feel sad and maybe angry about hearing such words. Maybe it made you feel more upset about all the mixed-up feelings you already had. I am sorry you had to hear all of that and feel like you were a difficult child.
You are a lovely little girl. Those people did not really know you. Please hear me when I say that you are wonderful, bright, and very chatty little girl. That chatter is going to help you succeed in life. Connecting with people and getting them to feel comfortable with sharing their stories. Working through college and a career, the chatter will help fill in the awkward pauses and make people want you to be around. Try to not let anyone silence how you feel. If you are afraid to speak up, write down your feelings and let them all out. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your voice is such a wonderful sound and the words that you want to share will fall on to the pages and hopefully help many.
Look in the mirror as much as you like. As you grow up it will help with trying to figure out who you are. Try and really look at the shape of your face, the beautiful rosiness of your cheeks. Those big blue eyes. Your face is part of you and will look like your birth parents. That is not a secret or something to be ashamed of. When it feels hard to understand why you look the way you do, try to see the bright and beautiful little girl that is staring back at you. Looking very different to everyone around you does not make you ugly. There are people out there in the world that do look like you. People you struggle to form a picture of in your mind. That is why you try and draw your face so much. It is a great way to try and learn more about what you look like.
Wanting to find your birth family and see how you much you look alike is something you do not need to hide or be ashamed of. The family that you are raised with are so different in looks and personalities. That is going to make your heart feel sad. You will question whether the differences are in your head. Especially when people mistakenly see similarities and do not believe you when you tell them you are adopted.
There are times when you will wonder whether the adoption is real at all. You are adopted. The family that made you did give you away to a new family. Do not try and bury how that has hurt you and left you feeling very confused. Most kids are figuring out the world at nine and where they came from. Asking your family to explain some more about your adoption is a good idea. You may not get the answers you need to hear. Tell them you feel different and sometimes lonely. Let your family know that you feel sad and do not know how to describe why. The words are not there but you need to try and figure out all these strange feelings in your head. Drawing your face repeatedly and trying to change what it looks like must be exhausting. Instead of hiding these feelings, try to write about them and talk to anyone that will listen about how you feel. Sharing those feelings will stop them from being buried inside. Those stomach aches and terrible earaches may not be as bad once you share how you are feeling.
A lot of the time your family are going to be too busy to listen and not want to hear that you are not happy. It will remind them that you are different, and they may feel like they are being rejected or loved less than they deserve. Even though some conversations will be uncomfortable to have and they may feel angry or sad, it will not make them love you any less. In time they will learn to understand how difficult being an adoptee is for you.
On your birthdays, especially the ones when you do not feel like they are celebrated much, understand that your family has very little money. There are more mouths to feed and gifts do not measure the love that your family have for you. If not now, one day you will be able to find happiness in celebrating your birthday. The very fact that you exist and continue to push through some of those difficult times is a real credit to your strength and courage. You will continue to be loved as your grow up. Hopefully, you will also have figured out the most important love to receive is from yourself and the amazing person you have always been.
I love you so much and wish I could have met you when you were five.
Love, Deanna
