Being A Bottomless Pit and Adoption
On Instagram, a mom asked me how to work with her (adopted) child who seems to be a bottomless pit.
After studying myself and other adoptees, I’ve come to the belief that many of us feel like bottomless pits because we are focused on the past. The past without the present is death—it feels empty and endless. The past without the future is prison—there’s nothing to create, no dreams to follow.
I have the sense that feeling like a bottomless pit, for me, has come from a core decision when I said NO to life after I was born and separated from my mother: not this life, not you, not them, not it, not me. It was a systemic decision, not a conscious one. This kind of thing can easily become a life-long tantrum: if I can’t have her breastmilk, her arms, her breath, I don’t want any of it, or, I want it all: I want this and this and this and that in the desperate need to fill my empty being.
(This happens because the neurological upset that occurs when a child is separated from their mother, I believe, is not addressed, and so a person grows up broken inside, looking whole, confusing everyone and themselves in the process. )
Now, at 55, I am working at rewiring my own brain in various ways: writing, yoga, bodywork, friendships, putting my hands in dirt. The list goes on and on. I have dedicated my life to making my brain feel healthy because I want to die knowing I lived fully. I want to die knowing I showed up 100% for my daughter.
Here are some questions I got from Tim Ferris that have helped steer me from saying NO to life in various ways (focusing on the past, behaving recklessly, not investing in my present or future) to push myself into the strange, painful, wonderful discomfort of saying YES, of acknowledging that I am a human being separate from ALL my parents and I have the right and, really, the moral obligation to my great creator, the force bigger than mom and dad, to have my OWN LIFE. TO BE MY OWN PERSON and not be terrified that this will make those I love give me back or turn away or abandon me. My previous thinking was that if I abandon myself first, I’ll be okay when others leave me.
1. What would I do if I had ten million dollars?
This questions encourages me to have dreams, to build the life I want for myself in the world. I can’t do anything in the past with ten million dollars. I have to spend it in the present moment.
2. What are the worst things that could happen if I am fully myself?
This question allows me to confront some key monsters in my closet and, as we all know, when you bring closet monsters into the light they are often soft clouds of smoke.
3. Could it be that everything is fine and complete as it is?
Who am I without my armor of NO? Of NOT YOU and NOT THIS and NOT THAT? Who am I if I stand in the middle of my life and say YES?
When I did this, a bunch of truth poured out of me and turned into You Don’t Look Adopted. Writing that book was the best three months of my life. It was three months of me listening to me and feeling and saying so many things I thought would kill me. Instead I had the time of my life. I’m still having it. I’ve just learned to tolerate living with A LOT of feelings. I can feel REALLY bad and REALLY good. When I am busy feeling and not reacting, it’s all so interesting.
Not knowing what is going to happen next when you are saying YES to life is the best. It’s like watching an amazing movie.
You hope it never ends.
photo by Susan Stojanovich
