Mother's Day and Adoption--Guest Blog Post by Samantha Lynn

Growing up as a kid, for Mother’s Day I would make little crafts and cards for mom showering her with love, words, flowers. Even breakfast in bed for her. I would look forward to seeing her smile and making her happy. 

This continued as I got older. It was around my late teens and 20s when I started to feel I was doing all these things because it was what was expected of a daughter. Especially as an adopted daughter, I felt I needed to do “extra”. Maybe at that time, I could blame it on becoming a “Hallmark” holiday, especially with the growth of consumerism and marketing on how we “should be celebrating” Mother’s Day. 

Then with the progression of social media came the ability of sharing with the digital world how to celebrate Mother’s Day, which then let’s face it, became an opportunity “show off” and “one up” the next person posting about it on our highlight reel of life displayed on Instagram. I say this because I admit I too had done it, and well, still do...sort of. 

Don’t get me wrong: I did want to celebrate my mother and tell her I loved her, but it felt off. Something wasn’t resonating well with me; nevertheless, I continued. 

Each year became more challenging to me, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so again, I carried on. 

However, since I came out of the fog a few years ago, (after 32 rotations around the sun) it has been an exceptionally challenging day and time for me...(as with other holidays, including my birthday). 

My mom would “remind me” to “Make sure to send messages or calls wishing a Happy Mother’s Day” to my aunts, cousins or family friends that are like aunts to me, are mother figures to me, or are just mothers themselves. 

This “reminder” is said because in the past few years out of the fog, I may or may not have sent them messages. A fact which my mother eventually found out about it. (She explained it was “not nice” of me to not send them messages.) I can see why she says that, but I would begrudgingly brush it off when confronted about it. 

I don’t “forget” to send messages, I don’t need to be reminded” of anything. 

I struggle with sending messages celebrating Mother’s Day because I’m already struggling about it with myself and her, as it is, struggling when writing a card—trying to find the “right words to say” to my mother who raised me...while still being truthful to myself. 

I tend to resort to greeting cards when I’m not able to come up with words myself, but I still always have a hard time finding a card with words I can relate to or want to say. I’m ashamed to say I just end up saying “Happy Mother’s Day” with a little gift and/or flowers. 

However, this year, I was able to pin point why it’s been so challenging for me. 

Yes.. it’s in the adoption piece of it all, but it’s much more specific than just that. 

In the moment this year, when my mother “reminded me” to send these messages, she did do so by listing out the women by name to me; however, my first mother was not mentioned, acknowledged or spoken of in that list.

I realized my first mother’s name has never been on any Mother’s Day list. That is when I felt like I got a sucker punch to the gut. 

THIS is why I’ve struggled. Although I’ve always known I was adopted, my first mother was never acknowledged as a mother to me, let alone as a person of some importance in general to me during my adult life. And especially on Mother’s Day...the day to celebrate mothers?

Nothing. 

It’s as if my first mother was a ghost, or not of importance. Not even worthy of being acknowledged.

Not acknowledging my origins, respecting my past and truth, is simply not acknowledging or respecting me as my own being or person.

And yet I have been expected to praise, celebrate and send messages to not only my mother who raised me but also other “mother figures” in my life, and new mothers.

This is another part of the multifaceted complexity living as an adoptee where I feel empty, disconnected, and not my own person.