The Stinkhole of Story or the Stupid Goggles that Come with Relinquishment/Adoption
It occurred to me (yet again) today that I have these stupid stories that act as minefields or quicksand in my brain and if I misstep, there I go, into Fucked Land where I’m invisible, stupid, worthless, and ready to eat a pan of warm brownies with a shovel.
It occurred to me (yet again) today that I wear these stupid goggles through which I constantly look for proof that I am invisible, bad, worthless, and ready to eat a pan of brownies with a shovel.
There is so much wonder and amazement in the world. There is so much proof that many people love me, that the world loves me enough not to send a meteorite at my head yet, and yet my goggles barely register that shit. My goggles want to see the REAL STUFF. The stuff that proves that, since birth, I have not been worth keeping.
I’m writing this brief rage because I fell into the Sinkhole of Story today and it has been a while, and my mouth is full of bitterness. Not again! I thought I was done with this nonsense!
This is the thing: if I am telling myself any story other than one that involves love and inclusion, I am in crazy land. I am delusional, and it makes me angry to think that I am doing this to myself. It makes me angry to think of all the adoptees I know who suffer both loudly and silently because they feel worthless.
Relinquishment is just something that happens. A mother can’t or won’t or isn’t allowed to take care of her child. Yes, it’s a tragedy, but the world continues to spin, and if the story of this event also spins in our head, we are headed for a life spent in and out of sinkholes. The way through is through. We must act! We can’t sit in our poopy diaper and cry about what went wrong, heads firmly spun to the past. We must take our golden selves and see what we can do next. We can find out what we like and then find out more things we like and then have a fucking party.
All of this was a big note to self.
Stand up. Knock it off. You are breathing. Go cause trouble. Have fun. Make someone laugh.
Live.
