Fear, Wildness, Caps Lock, and 2020
It’s so much easier to live in fear than in hope.
I mean, if you live in fear of getting in a car crash and then it happens you get to say I KNEW IT. If you meet the partner of your dreams and you are terrified of the day they leave, and then they do in fact leave, you get to say I KNEW IT. I KNEW they were going to die/cheat/get lost/drive far away. If you live in fear of living a life half-lived and then you find yourself on your deathbed, having accomplished 50% of your goals, you can say I KNEW IT.
Fear is manageable, just as indigestion is after a big meal. Fear seems to be an accepted part of the menu. We generally don’t order it, but it’s the coleslaw of life. We expect it. It’s not the part we were excited about: the apple crisp. The fact is that we are eating the grilled cheese and the coleslaw just so we can get to the part we want.
I can’t seem to get myself to write from a place of hope very often, but I sure can write about fear.
MASSIVE YAWN.
Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation."
Thank you, Wikipedia.
To cherish a desire with anticipation. Good lord. Could there be three more gorgeous words in one tiny sentence: cherish, desire, anticipation? That definition was like a hot fudge sundae crammed into a pill capsule. Something to choke on.
2020 was a big anticipation mine field. We (the bubble in which I live) went from a (privileged) society that said I hope my food arrives hot to I hope I don’t die almost over night.
Wait! The world doesn’t revolve around me and my needs? It revolves around me behaving in ways so that you don’t get sick?
This is so messed up.
I need to get back to my regular life of fearing I won’t get what I need.
Wait a second. I’m living my worst nightmare: lack of freedom. I can’t sit at my local bar and shoot the shit with the bartender because it’s not safe out there. I am living in a cage of myself.
What if this is all an invitation to THE BIGGEST SHIFT OF YOUR LIFE?
What if 2021 is about wild? What if 2021 is about WATCH ME NOW?!
What if we have NO IDEA WHAT IS COMING NEXT?
WHAT IF LIFE JUST GOT SO STRANGE EVERYTHING HERE ON OUT IS IN CAPS LOCK?
IF THE REST OF YOUR STORY WAS GOING TO BE ON CAPS LOCK, WHAT WOULD IT SAY?
