Healing Is Not for the Faint of Heart

This is a guest post, written by my friend Karri.

Healing is hard work and once I knew what to look for, it became easier.  The feelings of being left out in social settings, the arguments that I shut myself down during for fear of being left by my partner, not trusting myself or others and the feelings that I would never be good enough for anyone.  

The idea that most of this was trauma based never occurred to me.  Trauma caused by adoption and being left in a hospital right after my birth by my mother.  I had no clue that all of these behaviors could be from anything other than normal teenage angst, a bad marriage or a mid-life crisis.  

I was left hours old in the hospital and who knows where else for days after.  I was told the story a lot growing up by my parents that I was a “colicky” baby and could not be consoled no matter what they did.  I would only calm down laying on my dad’s stomach or with a hot water bottle.  Of course, I couldn’t calm down, everything was different, everything smelled different, everything sounded different from what I was used to.  Nothing had been calm in my life, I was with people that no idea what to do with a baby and were nervous to hold me. 

A few years ago, I was able to let go and let my mind think about this, meaning I was ready to acknowledge the trauma; I can now work on the healing.  This is no small feat; it’s a constant reckoning of thoughts and feelings.  I have come a long way but have a long way to go.  

There is so much to tackle.  But I had to start somewhere.  

First, I started with my sleep and getting enough quality rest.  Anyone who knows emotional stress knows that it’s exhausting; your brain is on overdrive even when you think its not.  Luckily, I am one who typically doesn’t need sleep aids, I just need to go to bed earlier and now with meditation, I am able to get to sleep easier than before. The body heals when it sleeps and enough rest for me helps my mind be clearer and able to work through conflict.  

Second, I have tried to adjust my diet, this is much more challenging, as I have eaten my feelings for years and my weight has fluctuated all my life.  Also really working on cutting out the sugar and alcohol and adding more protein and vegetables has helped a lot.  To be honest this is my biggest struggle and I still find that when I am stressed I am reaching for goodies that don’t make me feel good or think right.

Third, has been community.  My therapist, who is an adoptee, has helped a lot with sorting it all out with me and the support group she leads, really showed me my need to meet other adoptees on an ongoing basis.  Finding people that I can bounce things off and hear their stories has been the best medicine.  We all have a different story and while we are all at different stages in grief and trauma, we share many of the same thoughts and feelings.  

Trauma is not a contest. 

Yes, some have more, some have less but we all still have it.  I am not here to compete, I am here to empathize. We can help each other. 

It has been a life of scrutinizing myself, being angry and not trusting.  A lot of my life was spent thinking that there was something wrong with me.  Why can’t I participate in argument, it’s as if I lose my voice and want to run out of the room.  I would rather stay silent than to speak for myself.  I can’t tell you how many nights I have gone to bed mad and unhappy because something has hurt my feelings that seems unreasonable.  

It takes me a long time to get the nerve to talk about something that has bothered me for days, I would rather hold onto something for days then to tell what is on my mind.

Feeling awkward in social settings, I do much better in groups of less than five; larger groups are overwhelming to me.  It took me a long time to look at my own behavior when we would have the whole family over for holidays.  Why was I so nervous and angry before they all got there? Why, when everyone was in conversation I was needing to step away from it all to do the dishes rather than socialize?  It all makes sense now.  Now I embrace it, give myself a minute to regroup, channel it in to something constructive and it makes my life easier.

I am constantly checking myself. Why am I feeling this way?  What word was said that made me spin out? Where are my shoulders? Is my guard up?   Why?  This is exhausting in its own rite and maybe someday I won’t have to ask myself so many questions, but for now this is my way.

I know I am giving away some of my secrets here about what I feel and how I am trying to heal my trauma that I have experienced by years of not telling my truth and feeling ashamed of how I got here.  I don’t have all the answers, but I am trying to make a difference for myself.   

I hope this helps some other adoptees to heal their wounds.  I have always felt that if I am feeling something chances are very good that someone else is feeling the same.

Thank you for reading, if you want to read more you can find my blog at https://theinvisiblethreads.com