Love is the Glue - by April Dinwoodie
I can't think of any other human experience where the most complicated parts of our individual and collective existence live, breathe, and collide than adoption and foster care.
Every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year, every decade, and every lifetime, the elements of adoption and foster care, in essence, the hardest parts of life itself, the stuff few of us really like to acknowledge, understand, talk about openly, and work thorough, are not only obvious but amplified. Lived in full-force and in real-time these elements come to life and create human realities that are imprinted on our brains, attached to our bodies, and etched on our hearts.
Sex
Identity
Relationships
Money
Power
Privilege
Market forces
Mental Health
Genetics
Difference of race, class, culture, gender, ability
Politics
Religion
Sexual orientation
Abuse
Neglect
Language
Caregiving
Parenting
Domestic Violence
Trauma
Belonging
Addiction
Shame
Secrets
Infertility
Third party reproduction
Grief
Loss
Suicide
Misogyny
Institutional Racism
Emotions
Family
The truth
While not every adoption or foster care circumstance contains every single one, there are indeed layers where multiple elements collide and connect. What I have come to realize is that if are going to survive and thrive as members of the extended family of adoption and an extended family of human beings each one of these elements (and many more that could be added to the list) require more urgent acknowledgement, attention, understanding, deep conversation, and action.
Since sex is the starting point for so much, let’s talk about it for a second. While the majority of us would not exist had it not been for a woman and a man having sex, and many of us spend quite a bit of time thinking about it, hoping to have it, and having it - we cringe, giggle, get uncomfortable, shut down, change the subject and simply won’t talk about sex with friends, family, or children and young people. This creates missed opportunities to be open, honest, and fact-based about sex, for grown-ups and even more importantly for children and young people. So many of us know that when we are not open, honest, and fact-based about sex there is room for everything from confusion to shame to abuse. When we don’t talk about sex, there is real danger and still, we have such a hard time going there. The same could be said about avoiding and being willfully ignorant about all the elements on the list.
It’s not that these things are not be discussed at all (thank you for your writing and your work to coach others Anne) but rather that there is simply not enough and there is hard labor to be done to surface more of these elements to help the extended family of adoption survive, heal, and thrive. And with that, help humanity as a whole.
There is one more complicated life thing that needs to be added to the list…basically the life force and the glue that without it, digging into the toughest parts of human experiences is impossible…love.
We can’t do any of the hard labor on the above unless love is the glue. And it is not the transactional love explained to so many of us that have been separated from our families of origin “she/they loved you so much she/they wanted a better life for you…” It is the kind of love that is transformational and encourages individuals to be confident, to stretch and love themselves so much they can be truly in service to another. The kind of love that motivates an adoptive or foster parent to first have their own relationship with the pain, loss, and complexity of adoption and foster care to then be able to lovingly and authentically go deeper to explain early and often that yes, love is complicated and to show their child that no, not everyone who loves you deeply will leave you.
Today, on this journey of life it has become abundantly clear that surviving and thriving because of and in spite of adoption and foster care has opened up a space to heal and better my own human spirit and then in turn offer the same for family, friends, community, and even the world. This requires me to acknowledge, work to understand, discuss, and deconstruct the hardest most complicated and extreme elements of humanity that are so deeply embedded within adoption and foster care.
There are some days I don’t quite like this realization or work. And yet, there are so many more where my podcast, consulting, parent coaching, school groups, speaking, and writing is so profoundly healing that I feel like I am seen, heard, understood, and loved.
On the days when the labor is too heavy, when I am worried I have said too much about my family, or an individual has called into question a personal experience I have shared, or I am just plain emotionally exhausted, I’m reminded of the mom that told me when her daughter saw me at a distance said “Hey Mom, that’s April, she’s the one that makes you be a better mommy…”
That's love and that is what keeps me squarely facing all of the tough stuff, keeps me curious, keeps me humble, and keeps me bold.
