Another Reply to Another Adoptive Parent
Getting triggered is such a weird thing. I’ll be walking around, happy as a clam, and then I’ll see something or hear something or feel something, and suddenly I’m out of my mind with fury.
I was in the waiting room at Five Branches in Santa Cruz, waiting for an acupuncture appointment, when I read this comment on the blog post I wrote on Christmas addressing an adoptive parent’s question about her daughter and how best she could help her daughter open her heart to accept love. I worked hard on my response because I didn’t know the answer, at least not one I could dole out like a prescription, but I had things to say I thought might be helpful from my own experience and from talking to so many other adopted people these past three years.
Anyway. This comment sent me straight to the roof. I know the trigger’s bad when my heart beats so fast I have to work to catch my breath. I hate this comment so much, and here’s why:
Oh! Wait. I’m acting like a sketched-out triggered person. First let me show you the comment:
I might be mistaken, but I don't recall one mention of God in either the article or the responses.
I realize there are some with trauma. RAD comes to mind. But to say that all adoptees need therapy is not fair.
As a Christian, the first person I look to for help is God. Before we brought home our daughter, I discovered Psalm 139. I marked it, and have shared it with her since she was a baby. There are no accidents in life. Every single challenge has been preplanned by our Creator. Romans 8:28 is also true. You either believe God, or you don't.
I want to apologize for using the word “hate” and for not being a reasonable, even-headed person about this response. But I’m fucking triggered.
This person is treating their adopted child like a blank slate or an empty vase or something hollow on/in which they can impose their beliefs. This, to me, is like stealing. This adopted mother is stealing the free will of the child they adopted and is imposing her beliefs from day one. Child, you are not one of the ones who come with trauma because we have God in our family. The mother has erased the child’s needs. Instead of adopting a child with curiosity and being a team in order to help the child discover who she or he is, the mother is blindly imposing her beliefs on the child.
I’m all for faith. I’m all for prayer. As frosting. When a child’s brain and nervous system are under duress because of a traumatic situation, imposing your faith on their body is small-minded and dangerous.
The mother doesn’t see the child. I’ll bet you ten million dollars that mother did not read The Primal Wound. I’ll bet you another ten million dollars (that I don’t have) that this mother thinks everything will be okay because the adopted child is in God’s hands.
That makes me sick.
And it could kill her child.
ALL ADOPTEES NEED THERAPY. If you adopt a child and you believe you have the exception, if you believe you have the child who made it through unscathed, you are not acting like a parent: you are acting a person who just bought something and named it “Mine.”
So…if you were wondering what if looks like when someone is triggered, this was a great example.
Thank god for acupuncture.
