On Losing a Mother and a Life -- a Guest Post by Susie Stricker

“I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”-Cheryl Strayed,Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

I am standing at the edge of the shore watching our ship sail away one last time. It is the ghost ship of the life you did not choose. That sister life went underway without us when you chose not to embark on that journey 56 years ago. I will never know what led you to make that choice. I will be honest; I am quite displeased with your choice. I have many unanswered questions.

As I processed the news of your passing, many emotions flowed through me at once. It was the Christmas holidays. I needed a distraction, so I watched my favorite Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. By the time the movie was over, I was overflowing with even more grief. All these years I never gave serious thought to the message of the story by applying it to my relinquishment situation. My “original” life would not have had much of an effect on my biological family because they already lived their life as if I was never born. Until my reunion with you, I was a ghost. As if I was not real.

I am often reminded by my family and friends when I try to explain my grief from losing you that their life would have been impacted or my sons would not have been born if you had chosen to keep me.

Indeed, if you had kept me, our lives would have been very different. You probably would not have given birth to my brother and sisters. How would your parents have reacted to your decision? Would we be estranged from them? How would your sister react? Would you have had the support you needed?

I realize now, that upon meeting each other 5 years ago, we never could climb aboard that ship. We missed that boat. Although that sister life probably was important and beautiful, it is not ours. That ghost ship has been anchored off shore for 56 years.

Now you wave to me from the stern as the tide pulls you away. All hope for a chance at that sister life dashed away in the ship’s wake as I release the anchor and let that ship sail.